3 Leadership Skills Essential for Managing a Non-Monogamous Lifestyle

Who would have guessed empowering and lasting non-monogamy requires leadership skills?

The term non-monogamy is an umbrella term that describes any relationship style that is not monogamous. This ranges from polygamy - one man with many wives exclusive to him - to polyamory - a style where both partners can experience multiple partnerships simultaneously.

Managing, just one relationship takes great skill, consistency, and intention. Managing many takes leadership.

I'll never forget reading about leadership from Napoleon Hill. He said, "People are either leaders or they are followers". Leaders know what they want, and why they want it and are able to communicate their desires to others and gain their cooperation and support.

Those who choose non-monogamy are natural leaders in their own right, because of the desire to carve their own path in their lives instead of following the conventional narrative. 

I commend anyone on such a journey. As a polyamory coach for over half a decade, these are the skills I recommend for taking on a non-monogamous lifestyle:

1. Full Responsibility

Effective leader practices 100% responsibility for creating the life and community they want. When conflict arises, instead of asking “Who’s to blame?”, conscious leaders ask, “What can we learn and how can we grow from this?” 

Creating your life takes full responsibility — radical responsibility — instead of placing blame. Radical responsibility means locating the cause and control of our lives in ourselves, not in external events.

💡 Be conscious of how often you find excuses and blame in your partnerships, versus how often you find the growth or the solution so you can move closer to your objective as a couple. It sound's simple, but this attitude can make or break in your relationship(s)

2. Emotional Management 

Conscious leaders know that feelings are natural and expressing them is healthy. They know that emotion is energy in motion, and is meant to be felt and released. Repressing, denying, or recycling emotions creates physical, psychological, and relationship problems. 

They also understand how to hold space for and manage the emotions of others, They are expert listeners, and understand the value and support they can bring to their relationships with deep listening and emotional support.

The four primary emotions are anger, fear, sadness, and joy. Knowing how to express them all of the way through to completion helps us develop emotional intelligence.

💡 Next time you find yourself upset about something, take a moment to feel your feelings. Find where the sensation is in your body, and what it feels like (closing your eyes may help with this), and release it however asks to be released.

3. Authentic Communication

Last but definitely not least is authentic communication. This is by far the most important skill for lasting relationships of any kind because when we make authentic choices we make lasting choices. There is no longevity when we can't be who we really are within our relationship. Authenticity at its core means;

• The ability to admit to yourself what you desire
• The ability to communicate to others what you really desire, and how you really feel
• The ability to hold to your truth without compromise

Cultivated leaders express their truth. Through transparency, they create connection and open learning. They reveal not because they are right, but because they wish to be known. Withholding things in your relationship decreases your energy, which often shows up to others as boredom or lethargy, and creates disconnection in your partnerships. Worse yet, it can create resentment in you that can sabotage the relationship.

💡 Practice authentic communication with those in your community (family, close friends, lovers, etc.). Practice expressing your truth candidly without holding back your truth. Not the truth - your truth - which can often be "this information is none of your business".

Overcoming Challenges in Non-Monogamous Relationships

I'll be honest, the biggest challenge you'll face in non-monogamy is yourself. You have to deal with all of your outdated and toxic conditionings, jealousy, and insecurities. 

Behaviors that are accepted in traditional monogamous culture and relationships, will have to be examined and sorted through like a pile of old clothing ("What will I keep, and what is no longer serving me?").

You'll have to learn essential skills like communication, self-management, and radical responsibility. 

However, like anything that takes work this lifestyle is very rewarding. The reward is an authentic way of living that only has room for your divine desires as a person and the individuals who align with who you really are. 

My tip? Prepare yourself for this journey! Seek expert advice and counsel, and resources for support. Non-monogamy predates monogamy by about 10,000 years. it's been around for a long time and many people - even in monogamous culture - have been practicing this lifestyle for decades or even their whole lives! Check out my article on my top book recommendations for reading.

Most importantly, have fun with it. I consider this a spiritual journey of self-actualization. Enjoy the ride, even the low parts. 

Until next time

- Sanu Stevens, Polyam Coach